Sunday, December 22, 2013

The Grump Who Stole Marriage (A Poem) - Matty Jacobson

The Grump Who Stole Marriage

Every YOU down in Utah liked marriage a lot, but the Grump, who lived on Capitol Hill, did not.

The Grump hated marriage (for those who weren't straight), he'd poo-poo and hah-rumph and refuse to debate.

He knew he couldn't get away with beheadings, but he had to find some way to keep gays from their weddings!

For the weekend before Christmas --and this is no joke-- a judge said marriage should be for ALL folk!

Judge Shelby declared in a statement so proud: It shouldn't be reserved for just some of the crowd!

This burned the Grump's panties, this made him go crazy. He barked and he drooled and his vision got hazy.

To see all the happiness from St. George to Salt Lake, it made the Grump boil and it made the Grump bake.

What's worse was the ruling came right before Christmas! The gays and the lesbos would be getting married en masse!

This just wouldn't stand, no he wouldn't let it be so. So he planned up a plan in the Wasatch Front snow.

"I know how to proceed" The Grump burped on Friday. "I'll call for the court to issue an emergency stay!"

"They'll stop all the licenses, they'll stop all the bliss! I'm the smartest man ever!" He proclaimed with a hiss.

So he called up the judge and he said, "Listen buddy! Put a stay on your ruling! Before things get cruddy!"

The judge, to be clear, would not grant the stay. He didn't want to discriminate against lesbians and gays.

So The Grump in his Grumpiness turned on his heels. "FINE!" he screamed, running to the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals.

While The Grump's childish behavior made him look like a jerk, he also issued a letter to each county clerk.

He assured them in writing that seemed far less than formal, that pretty soon things would be back to normal.

"I know you're confused, and this is chaotic! I'm not being irrational, nor am I neurotic!"

His Grumpiness got airtime from Fox News to Rachel Maddow, and then came a response from the court in Colorado.

"No thanks" said the court when it came to the stay, "You didn't do things correct. You didn't them the right way."

The Grump saw the calendar was getting closer to Christmas. "NO!" He grumped loudly. "I want them to miss this!"

"They can't have their weddings! They can't have their cakes! Heck no on their families and those pesky tax breaks!"

He Grumped and he Grumped till his grumper was sore. Then he thought of something he hadn't before.

What if marriage, he thought, isn't cause for a war? What if marriage, perhaps, means a little bit more?

And what happened then, well in Utah they say, The Grump suddenly realized it's OK to be gay!

He called off his minions and he issued a statement: "My Grump!" he declared "Just had an abatement!"

"I see that these weddings do not harm my own, and this war on the gays is perhaps overblown!"

"The wonderful thing about America is, my beliefs are my own, they're not hers; they're not his."

"We can disagree and we don't have to see eye to eye, but that doesn't mean I have to Grump away the joys for the gay, lesbian and bi!"

"Ho hum to the ban! Merry Christmas I say! Let's rejoice! Let's unite! Please get married today!"

And although nobody quite knew why he changed his dark heart, there was marriage equality, and that was a start.

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